Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
