Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I look excited, but its just a facade.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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