oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
