Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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