i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
