just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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