Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
