If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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