Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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