Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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