I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
