R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
