At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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