who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
