She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
my poor anus
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
