haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
