I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
