I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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