You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
