guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
