They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
