i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
