I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
