i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
either way he was missing a nipple.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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