I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
