Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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