I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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