Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
