how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
