Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
