My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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