This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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