I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
