Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
