Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
