Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
