Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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