I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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