We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
