I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
