Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
