mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
