I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
