Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
