that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
