ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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