Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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