Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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