True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
