My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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