A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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