Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
