She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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