ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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