Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
