why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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