I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i came on her dog
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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