my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize