i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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